"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." This quote by Maya Angelou is one of my favorites.

When I think about all the buzz word of the past ten years, I’m hard pressed to find one more used than “self-care.”

Before I began my adoption journey, I knew I wanted my child to stay connected to her biological family as long as it was a healthy and safe connection.

Things don't have to be perfect to be important, meaningful, and worthy and neither do people. I am committed to loving my children so wholly, that I accept every part of their story and everyone who is a part of it.

So, I present to you, one stressed out Mama’s guide to openness and the holidays.

We have learned to sit with this grief, though, while intentionally savouring the small, joyful moments we share during the holidays and practising gratitude for this wonderful, messy family filled with love.

Christmas isn’t so magical, but every year we try hoping for progression, change, a glimpse of happiness...

For the parents out there struggling... I see you.

And it is in these truths—that parenting is hard and it so matters—that our commonalities remain; a reality that brings us together. 

At first I struggled with feelings of shame and guilt until I realized I was internalizing the criticisms of people who loved me, but did not share my lived experience.

We need resources, we are not trained for this.

This is kinship and it’s really hard.

We have navigated first time driving, first dates and your first job. As I look to the future the list of firsts seems endless.

I wish I knew what the future holds for our child, and our family, but what I do know is that openness does develop beyond placement, and much like other personal relationships it takes time, commitment, and a whole lot of personal growth.

Kids and teens deserve enough time to build these new and complex attachments. 35 weeks is simply not enough time for a youth like me to feel comfortable with an entirely different family, let alone build trust with these unknown parental figures.

There are certainly a lot of complexities in adoption which can and probably should be considered, but ultimately doesn’t every child deserve the same care and opportunity to form attachments in their first year?

My chosen family makes me feel loved and wanted and for me, that’s all I ask for.

What are some things you ask for from your chosen family?

For FASD awareness month, I wanted to take a moment to share my story, one that many people don’t hear about.

What legends are you making for your children?

As we continue to work and partner towards both a provincial and national Canadian effort that brings increased awareness and understanding of this issue, including the help that families and children need in order to heal from these traumas, it’s important that we (parents, professionals, advocates, first-voice experts) all work together to evolve the language and terms that we’re using.

Think about the trauma that this meeting could have or may have caused my oldest child. Was it necessary? Could it have been done differently?

“You’re at risk for Compassion Fatigue.”… It supressed my full capacity to love and show empathy. Hope of restoring my vibrant inner being faded.