On Grief, Love and Openness
By An Adopt4Life Community Parent
Is your family perfect? Mine isn't. They aren't perfect, but they are mine.
When I look at my parents faces, I see pieces of myself. When I listen to my grandparents recount their lives, I am always tickled to find we have common interests. Once, I laughed so hard that my husband told me that I had the trademark laugh of my paternal family, and I felt a warmth and kinship with the people who I love. When I find myself struggling with my anxiety, it comforts me to know that I am not isolated in my experience; that it is a common thread throughout the tapestry of my family. What a privilege to be able to have these connections.
My parents divorced when I was young, and both re-married. I am by nature an eternal optimist and have always thought myself to be so lucky- extra parents to love me, extra siblings to learn and grow with, and of course, double the birthday and Christmas gifts! Still, as a girl, I often longed for the parent I didn't live with. I remember the emotional roller coaster of a weekend visit so anticipated being cancelled at the last minute due to unsafe travelling conditions in winter and my little heart feeling like someone crumpled it up, tossed it on the ground and stomped all over it.
I lost my mother to cancer when I was a teen. I have experienced many milestones without her by my side- heartbreak, graduations, marriage, infertility, meeting our children for the first time, adopting our children, career changes and more. The grief of missing my mom has been so deeply tied to all these moments- so that even the happiest moments of my life, have been coupled with pain and longing. This helps me relate to my children, and the loss they carry each and every day. While my experience doesn't match theirs, it gives me some insight into the importance of ongoing connection and relationship with the people and places they come from.
Things don't have to be perfect to be important, meaningful, and worthy and neither do people. I am committed to loving my children so wholly, that I accept every part of their story and everyone who is a part of it. I love our children's family members actively and out loud in my words and my actions. We will work as a family to remain understanding, supportive and encouraging of everyone important to our children—even when it is hard—because when someone matters to them, they matter to us. We will acknowledge the hurt and pain, and help our children name it, and normalize it for them. We will continue to learn as a family about the systemic issues and barriers that have contributed to us forming our family. We will show up for each other every day in big and small ways—because that is what family means to us.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.
