When the Magic of Christmas doesn’t feel so magical…
By Ashley Biddiscombe, Author of Only the Strong Survive
As an adult I think back to my childhood and how magical the lead up to Christmas was... I lived for the twinkling lights, music, anticipation... I still do.
I remember dreaming about when you have children and watching Christmas through their eyes seeing the magic and wonder, starting your own traditions and savouring the old... early Christmas mornings... the excitement, the fun... dinner and relaxing on Boxing Day. I’m happy for the families who get those kinds of Christmases and a little jealous.
Our first Christmas together in 2016 was far from magical and I should’ve known how bad it was going to be when my daughter bawled her face off when it snowed for the first time and was sad when the Christmas tree went up... she was struggling... happy/sad memories from her foster home. She missed her foster family... she missed her birth mom and all we could do was validate those feelings and let her feel them. That’s adoption.
When you think about the hype that goes around Christmas it can be overwhelming... now see it through the eyes of a child with Autism... music, multi coloured lights, decorations, the sounds of paper ripping, other people’s excitement to feed off of causing more anxiety.... my daughter had to wear her compression vest for the whole first Christmas... she barely got through the day... my son spent the day in bed it was too much, it was rolling melt downs and he stopped functioning.
Over the years we’ve been able to fine tune a few things... but like clockwork every year the first snow sends my daughter into a spiral... she sits at our patio door gazing out the window with tears streaming down her face... we’ve narrowed it down to white twinkle lights on the Christmas tree being the trigger culprit, foster mom had white lights on her tree... they make my daughter sad... she has a good cry when we do the tree. We know it’s coming... we try to soften the blow, but all you can do is let her feel her feelings to help her heal.
We can decorate, but we do it slowly so it’s less overwhelming which is why we start in November. My kids LOVE the decorations but can’t handle it all at once so we do it at a pace, we can all handle.
My children’s capacity to learn and function to the best of their ability stops in December... we don’t focus on new things; we focus on what they can do and start managing behaviours and try to stay as positive as we can with less expectations... it was the first year my son didn’t lay in the field and scream while we got our tree! He was in the stroller... but I’ll take it as a win.
I can’t help but think of the other families out there... the ones who can’t decorate because it’s too much on their kids... the kids who get triggered from their past, who have trauma and are struggling... the children who don’t comprehend the season and Christmas is just another day, they don’t care about presents or anything the season has to offer and what that feels like to their families... the families who can’t leave their houses to visit because their kids can’t handle it...
Christmas is a hard time for so many adults, but it’s hard to comprehend when it’s hard on a child. People have a hard time accepting sometimes it’s not as magical as it should be for the kids.
My kids have come a long way, but I’m dreading Christmas a bit ... the melt downs, the behaviours, excessive stimming... the behaviours we can’t also predict or explain... my kids aren’t giving us a hard time they are having a hard time.
I will put on my “go” hat and scan the room for any musical toys my kids will excessively press over and over... get ready for them to move at the speed of light, my son will obsessively put anything that he thinks is garbage into a bag so we have to watch him closely... their eyes will change, they get black circles and look drowned out when it gets too much, I will have to remove my daughter into another room and she will either decompress or I’ll have to restrain her until she does, someone will end up screaming and get aggressive...we will all wake up Boxing Day with an autism hangover... Christmas isn’t so magical, but every year we try hoping for progression, change, a glimpse of happiness...
For the parents out there struggling... I see you.
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