Beyond Openness

By an Adopt4Life Community Parent

When we adopted a sibling set 9 years ago, we never could have imagined that we would have the relationship with their first family, that we do. Being raised by an adoptee, I knew both the importance of an open adoption, and just how much power adoptive parents hold in the relationship.

With three children, with three different levels of openness, we knew that we set out into new territory that not only felt comfortable for us, but that respects our children’s relationship with their first family, and ultimately honouring their voice and history.

Despite our own fears, judgment, and insecurities, we ventured into a relationship that we knew was key for our kids – and all of us.

Those initial awkward, shaky calls and visits ultimately set the groundwork for us to all come together once we received a life altering diagnosis. Eight years after moving home, one of our children was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. As words of palliative, and chemotherapy filled the air, my only thought went to his first family – How would I ever be able to call them to tell them that their child, our child, has less than a 5% chance of surviving a rare and aggressive cancer.

Numb, and with my voice shaking, I left the hospital room, and my instincts took over.  Although the trauma of making those calls will follow me for the rest of my life, I have never second guessed the decision to call that very day.  Since then, our relationship has come so much closer, us as parents (both biological and adoptive) share in all the feelings of seeing a love one battle for their life. We share advice, support, and research. We ask questions and lean on each other. Although physically they are many miles away, we have learned that in this family – no one fights alone.

I wish I knew what the future holds for our child, and our family, but what I do know is that openness does develop beyond placement, and much like other personal relationships it takes time, commitment, and a whole lot of personal growth.

The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.