Roller Coaster Christmas

By An Adopt4Life Community Parent

When I was growing up, Christmastime was the highlight of my year. I relished it all: the music, the decorations, the lights, the chaos of Christmas morning, gatherings with family and friends. I dreamed of sharing our treasured family traditions with my own children one day and joining joyful extended family celebrations with them.

Our first child to join our family loved it all as much as I did: singing carols, baking, shopping, wrapping and partying. Then child number two joined us, completing and enhancing our family, yet changing our Christmases forever. We had no idea this little one had FASD: in fact, we didn’t really know what FASD was. All we knew was that the lead up to any holiday, especially Christmas, brought out the worst behaviors. This little person seemed so excited about celebrations and presents but had tantrums at the mere suggestion of seeing Santa at the mall, ate an entire chocolate advent calendar on December 1st, and could not resist opening any wrapped present upon first sighting.

Over time we became aware of FASD and recognized “the season” was overwhelming our younger child. The answer was clearly to “pull back”, but how can you do this when you have other family members who treasure these gatherings and traditions? For several years, the answer was to divide and conquer: one parent joining in with our first and the other to stay home with the second, and only gathering as a family on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Then puberty hit, and meltdowns turned into aggression toward family. Driving together on a highway to family functions turned dangerous and potentially fatal. We would arrive at grandparents’ houses with fake smiles plastered on our faces, which often turned to weeping when we couldn’t keep up the charade. Family wanted to help but couldn’t really understand. All they saw was that our youngest had terrible manners, was rude and impulsive. We felt embarrassed and exhausted, and our visits became shorter.

Well, over the years the Christmas roller coaster has blessedly climbed back up. Some of this is due to our youngest’s maturity, some is due to all family members learning about de-escalation, avoiding triggers, and learning co-regulation skills. We have also learned to say no more, keep gatherings shorter, and focus on activities that everyone enjoys. It’s not perfect but it’s better (and who actually has a perfect Christmas anyway). My partner and I have also learned to accept that Christmastime also triggers feelings of grief for us: grief for not being able to give our kids the traditional, chaotic Christmases of our childhoods, and grief that so many of our memories include elements of AFCCA (Aggression Toward Family / Caregivers in Childhood and Adolescence) and danger. We have learned to sit with this grief, though, while intentionally savouring the small, joyful moments we share during the holidays and practising gratitude for this wonderful, messy family filled with love.

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