Open Heart Over the Holidays
By an Adopt4Life Community Parent
Before I began my adoption journey, I knew I wanted my child to stay connected to her biological family as long as it was a healthy and safe connection. I grew up in a nuclear family with my sister but didn’t learn until I was almost in my thirties that my father was in fact my step-father. Shortly afterwards, my mother passed, and I spent decades trying to piece together childhood memories and interrogating relatives to eventually learn the truth about my paternal relatives. As I matured, I vowed to myself that I’d be transparent with my child because of the unresolved hurt and confusion I experienced.
Once I was matched with my daughter, our openness order called for bi-monthly visits with her birth mother. Although I figured it would be sporadic, over the years the visits were few and far between despite her proximity to our family home. Thankfully, I had already coordinated an introduction to her biological father who is in regular contact by phone as well as her paternal grandmother.
It’s been a few years since my child has received a call from her birth mother. She no longer verbalizes her sadness or disappointment, but I know she’s grieving the loss of that connection. Christmas and birthdays tend to be the most triggering for her.
In Black families there is almost always a matriarch who is revered and instills a moral responsibility on relatives to look out for each other in times of need. For example, my aunt who lives in Jamaica learned that a family friend was immigrating with her child to Canada and called me in Toronto to update me on my new roommate. Or, when a long-lost cousin showed up on the doorstep of my family home in Montreal because my aunt informed my dad, she needed a place to stay, and my dad respectfully obliged. There is no room or time for hesitation or disagreement. The matriarch generally sacrificed for everyone else in the family and at some point, it will be your turn to pay it forward.
With that in mind, I figured I had to implement a plan B to ensure my daughter wouldn’t lose contact with her maternal relatives. I was convinced that her grand aunt would be my main point of contact because she had been involved in her life since birth and did her best to support birth mother prior to the adoption being finalized.
Following my gut proved to be the best option for my daughter’s well-being. This holiday season proved to be extra special because her grand aunt arranged to visit our family home for the first time with two young cousins in tow. A fort was built in the living room, a silver bracelet was gifted, and my pasta dish turned out better than expected. I also had a chance to sketch a maternal family tree based on her razor-sharp memory and attention to detail. Then foster mom popped in for a quick hug and gift drop-off. Before bed my daughter shared how much she appreciated spending time with her family and is looking forward to a sleep-over. Mission accomplished!
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.
