7 Tips for Openness During the Holidays
By Kathryn, Community Engagement Liaison
I remember our first Christmas after we decided to fully open our then closed adoption. Feelings of excitement, fear, and even a little jealously popped up. You see, years prior, we sent cards, and exchanged gifts, but having children with different biological families became tricky – so after speaking with our children, and then their first families, we decided to become just on big extended family.
Has it been easy? No
Were feelings hurt? Yes
Did we make mistakes? Of course!
But what we didn’t do, is shy away from hard conversation, listen…I mean really listen to everyone and allow all involved to have a voice and a say. So, I present to you, one stressed out Mama’s guide to openness and the holidays:
Talk & (more importantly) LISTEN:
Yes, I know, seems basic, but it needs to be said and reminded over and over. You need to talk about the hard stuff! Even when you are uncomfortable, even when you don’t see eye to eye. Talk. As adoptive parents, we hold ALL the power in the relationship, and creating space for equal voice Is important, especially that of the children and youth. Have conversations about gift giving, traditions, and food. Some years you will have to compromise, and that’s what being in a big extended adoptive family means.
Get out of your comfort zone:
Making new traditions, going to different religious celebrations, learning new recipes are memories that your children will hold onto for their lifetimes. Watching my children learn how to make cookies that go back generations in their birth history is something that I could never have given them. I also made sure to know when it's time for me to step back, and let this be their thing, because it's not always about us (a hard lesson I am still learning).
Manage Expectations:
Understand that your children’s first families are managing big, hard feelings. Plans may change, things may not go as expected, and that is ok! Openness isn’t perfect, as is any relationship, but knowing that the foundation of openness is love for your children needs to remain at the centre of everything you do. Give grace and patience as everyone manages this uncharted territory.
Let them see the good, bad and other:
I remember the first time our kids older brother stayed with us over Christmas. The house was clean top to bottom, I didn’t dare raise my voice when they got too silly and made sure to cook a full course meal every day. Totally not who we are (especially the cooking). It was exhausting! After the third day, I called myself out and realized that not only was I stressing myself out, but it had made their brother feel uncomfortable. Lesson learned!
Take things slow:
It’s important that as you develop this relationship with your child’s first family, that you let the child take the lead and take things slow. Start with things that surround the child’s interests and go from there. Its ok to set some boundaries, but always make sure that its something that it continuously explored and talked about.
Check your Privilege:
Yep, I went there. Throughout this entire relationship, its essential to understand your power and privilege within these relationships. If you become triggered, if you find yourself becoming jealous or wanting to pull back due to your own feelings, take a step back and examine why. Its ok to need help and support through this, and its equally ok to make mistakes, apologize and learn to repair.
Have Fun!
Among the chaos, anxieties, meltdowns and uncertainties – don’t forget to allow yourself to have fun! Do things that you enjoy, sneak in some down time and have a happy holiday!
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.
