Form 34: Child’s Consent to Adoption - What I Would Have Done Differently

By an Adopt4Life Community Parent 

Last week, our two children had to meet with their Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) lawyers and sign Form 34: Child’s Consent to Adoption. The purpose of this meeting was for the lawyer to explain each child’s rights in the adoption process with much of the focus going to whether the child consents to a name change.  

A little bit of background information about my little ones: My children are chronologically 7 and 8 years old. They are super sweet, smart, and active youngsters who have experienced multiple foster care placements since they were apprehended five years ago. We met them two years ago and they moved in at the beginning of December 2018. We have aimed to provide stability, consistency, and permanency—three crucial items their lives have not allowed them. Originally, we were matched as prospective adoptive parents, however due to some complications their legal status as crown wards was challenged. Regardless, we proceeded with the ambiguous status of “foster with a view” while forging ahead with attachment and a lot of therapeutic parenting work. We were finally able to move to adoption probation this summer—after being further delayed due to COVID. 

For those who are not familiar with adopting a child over 7 years old, Form 34 and a meeting with a lawyer is a mandatory part of the process. 

My spouse and I felt torn about this step. On one hand, we loved that our boys were able to choose their forever family and be part of the process. This gives them control where they’ve had so little. On the other hand, our boys are emotionally a lot younger than their chronological age and have moved so many times that their underlying fear is of being moved again. They have had a lot of worker reaction and we’ve worked diligently to help them see CAS workers as helpers. So, now that they’re comfortable with our adoption worker, who has also worked diligently to gain their trust, this step asks them to stretch their tolerance even more. 

Our 7-year-old had an easy time with this step. Why? The OCL came to our house (adhering to COVID protocols) and held the meeting in a gazebo in our backyard six feet away from our child. There is a mandatory confidentiality between the lawyer and client which requires that parents not be present during the conversation. My spouse, who is this child’s primary attachment figure, was within view the whole time but at the opposite end of our backyard (around 100 feet away). This allowed our child to turn and gain comfort by looking at my spouse. This alleviated 80% of our child’s stress and allowed our child to enjoy this step. After the legal consultation, a proud 7-year-old beamed across the yard and said, “I told her I want to be adopted!”  

Meanwhile, I brought our 8-year-old downtown on a ‘hot chocolate and pet store’ date followed by a visit to his lawyer’s office. We are lucky that I am this child’s primary attachment figure and could split the duties so that both children had their consultation at the same time.  

While the lawyer and legal staff were perfectly friendly, the fact that my child had to go into a formal setting and meet a stranger alone behind closed doors was a lot to handle. The meeting was 45 minutes (instead of 15 minutes like our other child). This child also has the most recollection of their past neglect and trauma and can recount more details about their apprehension at the age of 3. At that time, our child was left in a room with “closed doors” and strange adults. This was a more stressful meeting. After the consultation, I faced a very happy yet very nervous youngster who needed to be consoled.  

Afterwards, we asked for permission to throw a party and give them gifts. We wanted to acknowledge that adoption is a double edge sword. One family typically loses a child for the other to gain a child. I was told “You don’t need my permission, let’s go party!” 

This morning I took a client call during our morning routine and left my spouse to get our children ready for school—this has never been a problem in the past and I only do it once in awhile. The rest of the time, we are both active participants and love spending this 45-minute period getting them ready (as in excited and happy) for the day. I made a mistake in accommodating a business call this morning and our child’s anxiety was simply too high not to have their primary attachment figure near. Suffice it to say that I was pulled out of that meeting after my spouse attempted to regulate our child and was met with resistance for 15 minutes.

Within a minute, I was told that my child was afraid because their lawyer had said that “you may need to keep your old name.” Wow... I was nervous then too as we have done so much work around changing our child’s middle and last name (while keeping the first name). 

I have since confirmed that this information is untrue (our child will be adopted under our family name). But it got me thinking... what else did my child internalize? What else is my child now worried about? Remember, this was a closed session, and we are not privy to any notes or information. As a young 8-year-old, I imagine so much focus on the name change would make it very simple for a child to misinterpret the purpose of the conversation. Children who must go through this are asked to act like an adult and make such a big decision alone.  

Thankfully, we left for school happy and reassured but I don’t think we should task children with more than they can handle. 

The reason that I wanted to write about this step in the older adoption process is that it’s fresh in my mind. I also want to learn from my mistake and help others prevent similar situations. I truly believe I should’ve advocated for someone that my child trusts to either be at the meeting (such as the adoption worker if allowed) or for the meeting to take place where my child was not only comfortable but could look for me as a means of stress control similar to our other child. I do not and did not want to be part of the meeting nor hear what was said, but we need to think of all the steps in the adoption process from a child’s perspective.

Think about the trauma that this meeting could have or may have caused my oldest child. Was it necessary? Could it have been done differently? 

If you’re in this situation, speak with your adoption worker about different options based on your child’s past and needs. 

From my family to yours, we wish you much success. 

The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.