The Unexpected Delight of Openness in Adoption
When our adoption journey began, the concept of openness felt complex and, at times, a little intimidating. It was hard to imagine how our children would understand such a nuanced idea. Our experience with openness was limited to theory. There were also questions about how maintaining connections with birth family members might shape the parent-child relationship. Like many adoptive parents, we believed openness was important, but its role in everyday family life remained unclear.
Fifteen years later, we can say with confidence that openness has been one of the greatest gifts of our adoption journey.
We understood from the beginning that openness would be important for our children's identity formation and overall well-being. What we didn't anticipate was how much joy, connection, and belonging it would bring to everyone involved—not just our children, but our entire family.
Watching Relationships Grow
Our openness journey has evolved over the years. What began with simple breakfasts and ice cream outings gradually expanded into holiday gatherings at our home and annual barbecues at theirs. Over time, relationships deepened and traditions formed.
One early moment stands out in my memory.
At an early family visit, our youngest son's grandparent quietly slipped twenty-dollar bills into the pockets of our other two children. The kids happily tucked the money away. My first instinct was to insist they give it back. Then I stopped myself.
This is what grandparents do.
In that small moment, I realized something important. These relationships didn't have to fit neatly into labels or expectations. They were becoming authentic family relationships, complete with generosity, affection, and the little gestures that communicate love and care.
Family Doesn't Need Labels
Early on in our openness journey, we had some miscommunications, but all involved remained committed to learning and growing together
Our children's parents, siblings and extended family members have attended baseball and hockey games, Grade 8 graduations parties, Grade 12 celebrations, camping trips, tubing, and many important milestones in between.
When everyone gathers, there is no need to sort people into categories of birth, first, adoptive, or step family. There is simply family—people who care about our children and are invested in their lives.
What once felt complicated now feels remarkably simple.
The people who love our children show up. They celebrate achievements, offer encouragement, and share in life's important moments. Our children have never had to choose between families. Instead, they have been supported by a larger circle of people who care deeply about them.
The Freedom to Belong to Everyone
One of the greatest joys of openness has been watching our children build a rich and integrated sense of identity. Although not all aspects of our children’s identities are available to them and this causes grief, we are grateful for the ongoing details we do have.
Our son talks about having big hands like my dad. He wants to be a collision mechanic like his grandpa. He is tall like his birth father and enjoys Star Wars like his dad. He credits his athletic abilities to his adoptive mom; this is a big joke, and he has observed that he got his nose from his birth mom.
None of these observations feel confusing to him.
Instead, they help him understand himself.
Because openness has been a part of our family life, our children are free to claim every part of their story. They don't have to hide their curiosity or wonder where certain traits come from. They can celebrate similarities and connections across the many people who make up their family.
Openness has allowed them to know as much about their history, relationships, and identity as possible.
An Unexpected Gift for Everyone
The greatest surprise has been realizing that openness is not only beneficial for our children—it has enriched all of our lives.
The relationships we have encouraged and nurtured over the years have created a wider network of support. More people celebrate our joys. More people caring during difficult times. More people are invested in our children's success and happiness.
The result is a larger, stronger community surrounding our family.
What we once viewed as a complex aspect of adoption has become a source of joy and belonging. Rather than taking something away from our family, openness has expanded our understanding of what family can be.
Looking back over fifteen years, we are grateful that we chose to embrace it.
Openness has given our children relationships, history, and a fuller understanding of who they are. Unexpectedly, it has also given us friendships, support, and countless moments of delight.
What once seemed complicated has become one of the most beautiful parts of our adoption story. It turns out that love doesn't divide when it is shared—it grows.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Interwoven Connections. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.