The First Chapter: My Path to Openness
By Rebecca an Adopt4LIfe Community Parent
My daughter came to me just after her second birthday. There was no openness with her first family. She had been made a crown ward with no access six months earlier. Despite there being no safety concerns, it took about a year and a half (just before adoption finalization) for me to persuade our adoption worker to connect me with my daughter’s first family. Followed by what would otherwise be a hilarious saga of incorrect email addresses that delayed our connection for months.
Finally, in a coffee shop, I met with the woman through whom I have the greatest gift. Slowly, our nervousness lifted—or mine at least, I cannot speak for her, but I think we both warmed up a little. As we shared photos and stories our common admiration grew.
Since then, we had our first visit together at a museum. It was a good spot as there is a lot to see, do and talk about. We continued to visit in person before jumping into the FaceTime visits of COVID, and then back to in person, in awkwardness and joy, doubt and fun. A few misses, and miscommunications…. And a couple of weeks ago, C. and I walked A. to her first day of kindergarten together. What fun we had—running, playing, laughing at her new school playground.
Are we going too fast? Are we going too slow? Am I not trusting enough? Am I too trusting? In the end, although I am learning so much from the stories of other open adoptions, it is up to us to figure out what works for us, but it is also pushing my edge. It is a balance; it is a dance.
As a single adoptive parent, I find joy in sharing (my/our) daughter with someone who gets as excited as I do about every milestone. Traditionally, in white Canadian culture (or my experience of it at least), adoption has been understood as a closed and finished event. This is how my parents understand adoption, and so they question the benefits of openness. This multiplies the potential for confusion and pain, of staying connected with both my daughter’s foster family and her first family. Increasingly, open adoptions are the norm, but often that openness is a token, and sometimes openness is defined by a legal order that prescribes a certain number of visits a year. In our case, there never was a legal openness order so we have free rein to create whatever seems right, which continues to evolve and grow.
One of the great supports for me in this ongoing journey of adoption and developing openness is Adopt4Life’s parent support groups, especially the group Strengthening Open Adoptions, and Building Connections in Open Adoption. Being part of these conversations with other adoptive parents, is helping me to normalize the idea of open adoption and push the boundaries of what openness means. Building Connections in Open Adoption is a group comprised of adopted adults, birth families, and adoptive families. It promotes difficult conversations about privilege and adoption. When C. asked me about attending A.’s first day of school, part of me wanted to say no, mostly because I was afraid that it would be too many emotions for A. on an already big day. It was listening to these other parents, adoptive and first parents that challenged me to question my own limitations and preconceptions which helped me decide that there was really nothing to lose, for us, in walking together to the first day of school. A. was so happy to see her mommy, to walk together to school, and to enjoy the extra special treats she brought for her first school lunch. Of course, there have been meltdowns, but I think that is mostly about the big change in her routine. And we get through them.
It is easy for me to want to hold all the control. Part of openness for me is realizing and accepting that I am not going to control all my daughter’s experiences. I can be honest with myself about when I want to say no, and ask why, is this something I can push myself on? Is this something I can be open to?
When I shared with A4L that both first mom and adoptive mom brought A to her first day of kindergarten, I was invited to share our story of openness with you. But of course, this is just the first chapter. I don’t know what the next chapters will hold. As in any important relationship, there will be ups and downs. I hope that because A. will know, really know, who she is and where she comes from, and that because she will see the dance of connection that is open adoption, she will be stronger and more settled in herself. I am slowly coming to learn and trust that like on that first day of school there may be big emotions, but there will also be A. held by two people who love her so much, and that is really the best thing.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.