Not a Breakdown, a Breakthrough

By Julia Ross, Adopt4Life community parent

It's hard to know where to start. I guess I should start at the day I fell in love at first sight. 

It was a cold and snowy March night when I met her, she was 13 months old. She reached her arms out for me like I was someone she had known forever. Weeks passed, months passed, years passed. The day her adoption become finalized and the judge said "I now declare you a forever family" is seared in my mind. Not for a second did I think I would have to let her go. 

Over the years there was diagnosis, traumatic behaviour, dangerous behaviour, self-harm, lies, manipulation and everything in between. There were strained relationships, a marriage to my high school sweetheart that dangled by a tattered thread for years. 

I didn't want to, but I had made a full-time career out of trying to secure her help, make sure she was ok, make sure the world was right for her. I reached out to CAS more than a dozen times, asking for help, begging for help. I even called intake to report a child endangerment concern as I was so concerned for my other children. Every time they ask me "Is this an adoption breakdown?" Every time I pleaded with them to help me make sure it wouldn't be... there was nothing they could do for us, unless we were giving up on her. 

I slept with doors open, I never left her in the room alone, she was never out of ear shot. 

Finally, after a series of dangerous events I had to let her go. It was no longer possible for me to make sure she, and my other children were safe under the same roof. 

What happened next is hard for me to recount, so much of it is blurry. 

I do remember being told over and over that unless we relinquished our parental rights, they would not help us. They also said that we would need to stand in front of a judge and say the words...We would have to say out loud that we were giving up on her, in front of every one including our daughter. 

I had no idea how I was going to make it happen- but I knew what they were asking me to do was impossible. I would never have been able to open my mouth and say those words. 

I used social media, I reached out to every person on the planet I had ever had a conversation with and begged for them to share our story and help me find the supports we needed to remain a family, even though we could not remain in the same home. 

Weeks before we would have had to relinquish our parental rights, we found our angel. She had been there all along. An incredible powerhouse of a mama who I met when my daughter was just 2 years old. She was so open, and so determined to support us as a family and help us build this unique solution for our baby. 

12 years and 5 months after my daughter reached out her arms for me, I was packing her things. I wouldn't see her every day, I wouldn't get to make her favourite dinner, I wouldn't hear her laugh at herself when she did something clumsy. But I would know she was safe; my family would be able to begin to heal and I would remain her mama. 

Looking back to all the times I reached out for help, only to be asked if this was an adoption breakdown, I can't help but wonder how things would be different if we just took that option off the table. What if there was support in place to ensure continued attachment? What if our kids who need it the most, could have us all? 

Because none of this is about giving up or breaking down. It all about finding solutions that are best for our children, supporting individual mental health needs, and setting our expectations to ensure success, not failure. 

Nothing about this has been a breakdown. 

All of it has been a breakthrough. 

The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.