After 16 months joined at the hip—literally—my little boy is finally attaching
By Jessica Gardner
We first met our son when he was one year old, and he wanted nothing to do with us. He was gracious enough to let us interact with him, but he was not interested in having another set of hands touch him, another set of eyes search for him, another set of unfamiliar smells reach him.
Rightfully so, because by the time he met us, he’d had more than 100 people—many of them strangers—occupy his space. So, he made his boundaries clear to us, by maintaining a reserved attitude and avoiding eye contact. I remember being struck by this, in the early visits at his foster home. One time, I faced him to push him on a swing, and he stared out the side of the bucket chair the whole time, even though he liked the activity, because he would have rather risked falling out of the seat than having to look at me.
Most people think of attachment in adoption as a strong bond between parent and child. And while that is the ultimate goal, that’s not how it starts. It begins with the other definition of attachment—an extension needed to function and perform tasks.
My husband and I attached ourselves to our child as an extension, as soon as he joined our family. We planted ourselves firmly in his space, joined by no greater distance than our arm’s length, at any given moment. We became a family. A singular unit. Together we navigated unfamiliar territory, journeying across the world to our home.
It is still as a physical extension to me, literally joined at the hip—my right hip to be exact—that our son does everything, close to a year and a half from when we first met. He perches atop me, like a sailor on the bow of a ship navigating his way through life, his vantage point near mine. Sometimes, I’m sure he thinks of me as a joystick for a video game. He swivels his body, and we move in unison in the direction of his intended goal—often the kitchen cupboard, to look for a snack, or out the front window to see if Daddy’s home yet. We are moving through life this way, for now, to get to the second definition of attachment: the unbreakable bond.
I know the evolution from necessary extension to strongly bonded family unit is happening. When my son says “cuddle,” everything else stops, so he knows that love, security and family come before everything. He has learned to get to Mom quickly and say, “feet up cuddles,” which means lying on the couch, so my whole body can hold his whole body, when real comfort is needed.
During my time at home with him—almost exactly twice the time the government currently provides benefits for adoptive parents—we have noticed immeasurable progress. The most significant gains have happened only recently. This past month, our son began to spontaneously lean into us. He just started coming to us first, if he had a “booboo,” even before searching for his blankie. And for the briefest of moments, he has even held eye contact with us.
As a school teacher for the past 15 years, as someone who has studied developmental and behaviour psychology extensively, I believe that a child who is rooted in security, stability and calm, and who is receiving positive guidance, will not only survive but thrive to be a productive member of society. But that can only be accomplished with time and love. The government has the power to assist in the time part of this equation and allow more love to flourish.
What makes a family successful is finding a common rhythm—becoming individuals who move through life together in harmony. Families, especially families formed through adoption, need time to find this flow. The more time they spend together, the more beautiful their music. It is through the foundation that we have created together as a unit that my son will feel rooted enough to rise to his potential.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations. Our #timetoattach campaign continues with the aim to adapt public policy to introduce 15 weeks of parental leave (attachment leave) for adoptive parents and kin and customary caregivers. As we, along with Western University and the Adoption Council of Canada, have worked to bring awareness to this important support required for families and children, it has been so important to share the real experiences of parents and their children as they sought to form healthy and lasting attachments. Find out how to share your story.