Investing in Attachment
By Jonathan Gardner
Attachment. To many of us, it happens naturally, from the minute we are conceived. It grows when we are inside our mother’s womb, and then solidifies, when we are held in our parents’ arms.
However, for children waiting to be adopted, that biologically programmed phase of infant attachment is put on pause. In group care settings, especially, there can be a constant waiting for cuddles, kisses and soothing. Those are things that should come every minute of every day for a young child, but for children without families, sometimes they never show up.
The idea of eye contact can be foreign to these children, when nobody has time to return their gaze. Touch is confusing, as workers or volunteers each hold the child in their own way, so the child feels different pressure and energy that results in unease rather than the intended comfort. Imagine you as an adult were held by several people you barely knew, each and every day. Imagine you woke up to new faces after each time you were put down to sleep. Imagine growing up alongside another child, whom you came to love, for one, two or three years, and then seeing them exit the room never to return. This is a reality for many children, prior to adoption.
So when, as adoptive parents, we meet our child for the first time, we need to be prepared for the reality that it will take time to build attachment. It is not something that happens overnight, when a child has already experienced loss after loss. An adoptive parent has the monumental task of repairing the broken bond that a child formed with their biological mother in the womb; of repairing the bonds forged then broken in foster homes; and of creating a new bond that the child has to somehow trust will last forever.
My wife and I have spared no expense in nurturing our bond with our son. And by expense I do not mean money. We use our time as currency, our hugs and kisses as money in the bank. We have been home for over a year and have not left our child’s side. Yet it was literally just a week ago that our now-two-year-old son held extended eye-contact with me, then ran into my arms for the first time to seek comfort.
Just as the government provides time off and benefits to women who have given birth, because their bodies do not recover instantly, they should meet the unique needs of a child who has just been adopted—and of new adoptive parents, who may have had little notice to prepare for this new family member.
Giving an adoptive parent the same paid time off work as every other new parent is one way to help our children grow with us and create a lasting bond. It also sends the message that children who are adopted are not less-than.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations. Our #timetoattach campaign continues with the aim to adapt public policy to introduce 15 weeks of parental leave (attachment leave) for adoptive parents and kin and customary caregivers. As we, along with Western University and the Adoption Council of Canada, have worked to bring awareness to this important support required for families and children, it has been so important to share the real experiences of parents and their children as they sought to form healthy and lasting attachments. Find out how to share your story.