Families like ours deserve better
By Mary Feldskov
I started my working life at age 14, as a nurses’ assistant at our local nursing home. Then I continued working through university, marriage, the birth of our eldest daughter and the early years of parenthood—sometimes part-time, sometimes full-time—even sometimes full-time with a part-time gig on the side.
Working is part of my identity: a way to earn money to support me and my family, a source of pride, and an important part of my social life. After more than 25 years in the workforce, I was well respected in my field as a marketing and communications professional in the agriculture and food sector, and on track to achieving my career goals. But that all ended in 2016, when I had to make the very difficult decision to leave the workforce altogether.
After a foster-to-adopt placement, in 2015, of a newborn baby, I applied for the 35 weeks of Employment Insurance parental leave that was allocated to new adoptive parents. From the day we brought our daughter home, we were stressing about finding suitable childcare for an eight-month-old baby and about leaving a child so young in the care of a stranger—if we could find a childcare spot all, given the shortage of infant care in Ontario and in rural Ontario in particular.
We hadn’t had the benefit of nine months of pregnancy to start bonding with our child before she was born. We worried about how our child would attach to us in eight short months.
Then just three months after we brought our baby home, another wrench was thrown into the works: her older brother, then only 18 months old, came to us in a foster-to-adopt placement. Having been neglected and abused as an infant, in his first home, our son desperately needed—and deserved—time with his new parents to feel secure and loved. My parental leave would be over four months after he arrived in our home. Putting him in daycare (if we could find a spot) after such a short time would not be in anyone’s best interest.
With a six-year-old and two children under two at home, we knew we had a difficult decision to make. We looked at all the options: me taking unpaid leave or my husband (the higher-earning spouse) taking a parental leave. Ultimately we decided that I would not return to work for another year.
But less than 12 months after bringing home our son, we found out about an older half-sibling, who was in the care of another Children’s Aid Society. She has now joined our family in a foster-to-adopt placement. We decided to delay my return to the workforce by yet another year, to facilitate her transition to a new home, a new family, a new school and to build attachment.
Despite paying into the Employment Insurance system for more than 25 years, I was only eligible for a total of 35 weeks of parental leave even though we adopted three children from foster care over a two-year period.
We knew our children deserved more time at home with a parent, than the parental leave we were entitled to, so we made the decision for one parent to stay at home, at a great cost to our family financially and to me personally. Had there been more flexibility, extended leave times and exceptions made to eligibility, for situations like ours, I may not have had to make the difficult and career-limiting decision to leave the workforce entirely.
Three and a half years after we brought our first adopted child home, I am now back to work, albeit in a temporary, part-time position. I am once again earning a paycheck; I have a chance to be social with adults; and I get to use the skills and experience I built up over 25 years in the workforce. Temporary and part-time is all we can manage as a family for now, as we are still navigating the unique needs of our children—who, like many children adopted from foster care—are struggling socially, developmentally and academically. That means I need time to take them to therapy, attend parent-teacher meetings, organize support staff for extra-curricular activities and manage daycare pick-ups and drop-offs.
One day, I’ll go back to work full-time. I’m not sure when that will be. Right now, my children need me and I need to be available for them. But to fully support adoptive families, more research, action and support for programs like Employment Insurance benefits, post-adoption support and funding, and child care is necessary. Kids—and their parents—deserve better.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations. Our #timetoattach campaign continues with the aim to adapt public policy to introduce 15 weeks of parental leave (attachment leave) for adoptive parents and kin and customary caregivers. As we, along with Western University and the Adoption Council of Canada, have worked to bring awareness to this important support required for families and children, it has been so important to share the real experiences of parents and their children as they sought to form healthy and lasting attachments. Find out how to share your story.