Our Children’s Behaviours Were Wildly Outside of Our Experience
By Adrian Marchuk
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
—Abigail Van Buren
My wife and I were fortunate enough to become adoptive parents to a sibling group of three. They came to our home from their foster home at the ages of 11, seven and three; and our lives have never been the same.
We had already decided that I was going to be the primary, stay-at-home caregiver for our three new kids. When our children first came home, My wife took three months of parental leave from her job. By combining this with her one month of annual paid vacation time, we had two parents in the home, full-time for four months, as we settled in. To say that this was insufficient time is a massive understatement.
Our children exhibited behaviours that, while perfectly normal for children with histories of trauma, neglect, and abuse, were wildly outside our experience—and those of most families. Our son slammed his head against the floor. Our middle daughter of eight years old soiled herself daily, routinely pulled out fistfuls of her hair, and she would scrub her skin raw. Our eldest daughter rammed her own knee into her forehead until she was severely concussed. It should be noted that our children’s behaviour is considered to be on the mild end of the spectrum for traumatized children.
Managing all of this new behaviour occurred in addition to the more mundane sleeplessness, stress, and logistical challenges of keeping three children fed and healthy while also navigating the bureaucratic demands of two Children’s Aid agencies, two new schools, and a daycare.
And there were some totally unexpected struggles too: Typos on the children’s new health cards meant that prescriptions could not be filled. A moving van arriving at an unscheduled time meant that our house was not ready for an entirely new batch of furniture. A school administrator challenging our status as the children’s parents felt like the last straw.
Parental leave is designed to mitigate the financial burdens that parents face when a caregiver needs to stop working to handle the unique needs of a newborn. It is also a statement that we as a society value the work done by parents in the home the same way that we value the work done in a factory, office, police station or hospital.
And if that is the case, then it is truly bizarre that less parental leave time is given to adoptive parents. While their children are often older than newborns, they exhibit behaviours and are facing challenges and disruptions beyond the experience of most adults. Traumatized children need more quality time with their parents, have higher needs on a physical, psychological, and emotional level, and yet have less time to spend with their families as children, than do children who grow up in the homes of their biological families.
A newborn has 24 hours at home with their parents, but adopted school age children are out of the home for six or more hours per day, giving them fewer hours per day to attach. Our elder daughter laments to us that she is “running out of time,” because she was in-and-out of foster care for seven years and didn’t come home with us until she was eleven. Our middle daughter fears that as a half-sibling she will never fully belong. And our youngest son, even after nearly two years in our home, still gets confused as to who his “real parents” are.
The time we have with our hurting children is all the more precious because it is more limited. Nothing can replace the impact of quality, focused time between parent and child, where attachment is nurtured, self-worth is grown and true belonging is affirmed.
The federal investment required to accord equitable parental leave to adoptive parents is a drop in the bucket. And yet to those children who are thirsty for parental love, yet afraid to let new people in, a few more drops of water—a few more months with Mom or Dad at home—may mean the difference between attaching or rejecting. Children joining adoptive families are desperate for a sense of belonging, for a family that lasts a lifetime. Doesn’t every child deserve that?
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations. Our #timetoattach campaign continues with the aim to adapt public policy to introduce 15 weeks of parental leave (attachment leave) for adoptive parents and kin and customary caregivers. As we, along with Western University and the Adoption Council of Canada, have worked to bring awareness to this important support required for families and children, it has been so important to share the real experiences of parents and their children as they sought to form healthy and lasting attachments. Find out how to share your story.