AFCCA Blog Series: Blog 3
By Tanya Eichler
It Takes a Village: Rethinking the Emphasis on the Nuclear Family
AFCCA stands for Aggression towards Family and Caregivers in Childhood and Adolescence
Many of us have heard the phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child.” We may not realize that this phrase originates from a Nigerian proverb because it has been usurped in various communities. In the Eurocentric Western world, which often idealizes individualism and the traditional nuclear family, we seem to be moving further and further away from having a supportive village and closer to isolation.
Recent articles on CBC have outlined that parents are often losing the community that they once had (https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/parenting-village-1.7347040). This isolation can deepen for those raising a child with exceptional needs, particularly when that child expresses frustration or dysregulation through aggression. The resulting isolation can be dangerous.
When we first identified AFCCA (Aggression towards Family and Caregivers in Childhood and Adolescence) through the Canadian National Consortium (https://www.afcca-apfea.ca/), North America was only beginning to recognize the prevalence of childhood aggression. This lack of awareness largely stems from the shame, blame, and misunderstanding surrounding the root causes of AFCCA. Imagine being the parent of a child or teenager who exhibits extreme aggression toward you, their siblings, or others. What would it feel like to admit that reality, and what responses would you expect from your friends, family, and support systems? What would you hope for?
As a therapist trained to promote attachment relationships within the nuclear family—grounded in Bowlby’s Attachment Theory and Dan Hughes’ therapeutic approach—I have seen how adoptive families are often advised to isolate themselves at the onset of adoption to foster attachment—a concept one wise adoptive mother referred to as “attachment by trauma.” To be clear, my experience of supporting families who are living with AFCCA are primarily adoptive families or caregivers looking after children who have been removed from their birth parents because of various neglect and abuse issues. AFCCA isn’t limited to this population and happens in families of all kinds.
Two significant flaws often emerge in this conventional teaching. First, many children with attachment trauma view adults as frightening and untrustworthy. With the right support and therapy, some can learn to trust certain adults. The second flaw is this: the adults in these children’s lives also require substantial support themselves to manage the dramatic behaviors often associated with attachment trauma. Every parent I meet is determined to do their best, yet as typical humans, each carries their own triggers to navigate as they raise complex children. One universal trigger is the threat of harm to oneself or family members—the very essence of AFCCA. The other universal threat is loneliness or isolation; the absence of a safe community.
In our independence-worshipping society, coupled with the isolation and collective trauma brought on by COVID-19, many parents are struggling. They are striving to understand their children, be therapeutic parents, and manage siblings, jobs, and other relationships—all while feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Ironically, these caregivers often must work harder than typical parents yet fear discussing their challenges due to past experiences of poor advice, judgment, and shame from family, friends, and agencies. When they finally connect with others in similar situations or meet supportive professionals, they are often taken aback by the relief that understanding brings.
The expectation that one or two parents can fully grasp their complex children's needs, navigate challenging systems, withstand judgment, learn and incorporate new cultural norms or practices, and manage their own fears while providing emotional safety is unrealistic. This is the pressure adoptive and kinship caregivers are under.
Consider the child’s perspective. The adults meant to teach them about safety and trust may have been sources of danger and fear. Their early history instills a deep-seated belief that adults cannot be trusted. Instead, these children may instinctively feel the need to “get what I need any way I can” in order to survive. For some, disabilities arising in utero complicate communication about their needs. Now, picture these children being shuffled from foster home to foster home, each transition filled with new adults and rules—a terrifying experience.
When they enter an adoptive family filled with hope and good intentions, these children struggle to trust their new caregivers. Even if the move to their adoptive family was welcomed by the child, they lack the internal framework to recognize safety. With the common expectation of immediate intense attachment, it’s no wonder they feel overwhelmed by the pressure to connect.
Typically, parents do their best to provide safety and care. Yet traumatized children often cannot comprehend this language of safety. In their urgent, overriding need to control their environment, they may act out aggressively. This behavior leaves parents feeling confused, rejected, and ashamed, which reinforces the child’s belief that adults cannot be trusted. Over time, this cycle can become entrenched, leading to increased aggression and further isolation.
What we are learning in our AFCCA Family Supports program is the necessity of shifting focus from the nuclear family to creating a stronger support network—a village. This can take many forms, including professional support, extended family, and community resources. Parents and children need breaks from the intensity of their attachment roles, which can be achieved through respite care, babysitting, big sister/brother or scouting programs, or creative solutions like co-parenting with help and support from another family, additional caregivers, or agency. These collaborative solutions for caring for children, relying on communities and shared responsibilities, have existed in various forms for centuries in other cultures and countries, with proven benefits for children and families.
All children benefit from diverse support systems, which lead to better outcomes. Caregivers also desperately need trust and understanding. If caregivers are not okay, the likelihood of a child healing and developing healthily diminishes significantly. As a society, we must move away from the belief that the nuclear family is sufficient and instead relearn how to build community.
I am proud to work within an agency that champions peer support as a powerful tool for addressing the complexities of adoption and kinship care. I envision a future where we all reach out to our neighbors and communities, both to give and receive support.