Adoption and Divorce

By an anonymous member of the community.

When I was eleven, I watched a documentary about orphanages in China that were filled with abandoned little girls. That is the moment when I decided that someday, I would adopt.

One marriage and three biological sons later, I went to Wuhan in 2018 to pick up a little fifteen-month-old girl. She is an adorable child, extraordinarily adaptable and sweet-natured.

The years preceding our matching with a child to adopt had been marked by marital difficulties, but I did not dare stop the process. Grieving the dream of adopting at the same time as grieving a marriage would have been too much for me.

Coming back from China went great for my daughter. For me, not so much. I sank into what seems to have been a brief post-adoption depression. I was functional, but my brain was swimming in a dark, heavy haze. I told myself that I was probably suffering from jet lag. I thought about asking for help, but I was ashamed of struggling so hard after my dream came true, when my daughter was so easygoing and endearing.

I finally saw a psychologist, which helped me a lot. But our spousal relationship issues quickly resurfaced, and a year after the adoption, my husband and I separated. The following year, we were divorced.

I felt guilty about this turn of events. My daughter is so great, I thought, “Any tight-knit family would have been lucky to have her, but she stumbled upon a family that was going to break apart.” In the first months of her life, she had already been abandoned by her biological family and experienced many transitions between the orphanage, the foster family and the hospital because of her health.

I also felt guilty about my state in the months following the adoption. Due to the stress of my broken marriage, I cried almost every day and found it difficult to be fully present and caring for my children. I was far from neglecting them, but my heart ached so much that my mind was elsewhere.

I felt guilty when my daughter cried before going to Daddy’s (who is a good father). But with her characteristic resilience, she eventually got used to it. Having three older brothers living the same reality as her seems to help her accept the weekly house changes.

I still feel sad when I see my children leaving for a few days, because I think it shouldn’t have been this way.

I console myself by remembering that no life plan is perfect. Our social worker reassured me that divorce has serious consequences on children when disagreements abound. Fortunately, the father of my children and I have a friendly relationship, and we are both committed in our own way to each of their well-being.

Divorce is far from an ideal situation, but as the saying goes: “When Mom is well, the kids are well.” I feel infinitely better than I did when I was living with the stress of a difficult marriage. My children’s cheerful mood and the lightheartedness that reigns in my house show me that there can be good sides to a divorce, when it is inevitable.

The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.