3 reasons why adoptive parents need extended parental leave
By Mother of a Hidden Pearl
The first day of grade one arrived. My six-year old daughter quietly entered the school yard. She yearned for friends after having been plucked out of her old life eight months earlier and plunked into ours. Her needs grew bigger than the homeschool environment we’d initially provided. So, she put on her bravery mask, despite the fact she was starting her third elementary school. She joined her class lineup amid a sea of new faces and once again faced the unfamiliar. I silently cheered her on and looked forward to this new routine, as I watched her enter the school.
We were beginning a new season. Or so I thought. After eight months of therapy, attachment work, and figuring this family of five thing out, I hoped for brighter days. I hoped I could return to work at ease.
Was eight months of parental leave long enough?
Nope. My daughter’s bravery mask cracked after the first few days of school. Issues surfaced. Some old, some new. Sensory irritations flared. Kids picked on her. She cried almost daily for her birth sister. Outbursts continued. The demands were too great to allow me to return to work.
Extended benefits could have helped. Here’s why:
It takes time to attach
Kids from backgrounds of trauma, neglect, and broken attachments stop trusting others. Teaching them to trust again takes a gazillion repeated positive experiences to rewire the brain.
My daughter craved my attention daily, as soon as she started school. She’d jump in my lap at every opportunity. She’d call out “Mommy, I need you,” if I was preoccupied. She’d overreact to every stubbed toe, hangnail, or perceived injury. Responding was all-consuming, but it taught her I’m here for you. You can count on me. I’ll heal your wounds.
My biological boys added a complicated layer of attachment. They needed time to accept her. Our attachment therapist told us it would take at least a year. She was right.
It takes a year to learn family rituals
My daughter had to familiarize herself with routines, rules and rituals in our home that were different from those in her last four homes. Some of our family customs such as the fall fair, Halloween, Christmas, Easter, and summer break were annual. It took a full year for our daughter to experience all our traditions.
The unknown induced anxiety. Certain behaviours like perfecting her ponytail for an hour every morning, despite being late for school, shone a light on her need to control her out-of-control world.
It takes time to feel like a family
Adoption can thrust families into an unexpected storm. From the raging roars of my biological boys to the crying fits of my daughter, it all caught us unprepared. My boys hated this “new person” who was stealing our attention away from them and unleashing chaos on our formerly peaceful home. My daughter was consumed by fears, swirling repetitive thoughts and grief. Her prior experiences left her broken and unable to manage her emotions. Our ship was sinking.
It takes time to navigate the storm. We began by attending attachment therapy as a family. We also reached out for support from our church. Over time, new insight and skills helped calm the storm. Still, I couldn’t imagine returning to work after eight months. My daughter didn’t get to school on some mornings until 10:30am. Late night meltdowns were still happening, several months in. My daughter’s anxiety and attachment, as she tried to settle in with us, remained demanding. All the issues happening simultaneously left me exhausted; extra time and benefits would at least have eased the burden.
For more articles by Mother of a Hidden Pearl, visit ahiddenpearl.com.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations. Our #timetoattach campaign continues with the aim to adapt public policy to introduce 15 weeks of parental leave (attachment leave) for adoptive parents and kin and customary caregivers. As we, along with Western University and the Adoption Council of Canada, have worked to bring awareness to this important support required for families and children, it has been so important to share the real experiences of parents and their children as they sought to form healthy and lasting attachments. Find out how to share your story.